(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Just got some work done on my sleeve.
Check it out. It's a tribal symbol for DiGiorno.
It's so cool that it's not delivery.
WOMAN OVER PA: Attention, students, as we do every month,
it's time to announce the winner of best couple.
Give it up for Annie and Yumyulack!
(ALL CLAMORING)
- Fuck, yeah, bro! - Fuckin' told you, son.
All y'all bitches need to pay up right now!
- What's goin' on here? - There's something I have to tell you.
Bae, you could tell me anything within 2000-5000 Hertz frequency range,
otherwise it's static.
Bae, everyone at school decided to place a bet that I'm so hot,
I could win "Best Couple" with anyone.
Even a Q-tip shaped, rough trough, Pixar-looking motherfucker like you.
Oh...
But there's one thing I didn't bet on. Actually falling in love with you.
I can't freaking believe this.
It's okay if you're mad. I get it.
I'm not mad. I didn't know you could bet on high school stuff! That's awesome!
I'm gonna gamble on everything!
I don't think that's the lesson you should be--
It's time to get all Molly's Game up in this bitch!
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is... This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? (STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.
They get so excited about going to Mars.
Have you ever been to Mars? I went to Mars one time.
Not so cool, not even a Starbucks.
Feel, Korvy. These Ped Eggs are amazing.
I scraped all the plaque off my feet and I can taste the floor again!
Terry, you got your flakes all over the floor. That's disgusting.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
If this is what I think it is, I'm gonna literally shit my teeth off.
It's here! A one-of-a-kind Crystal Skull Vodka brand bullet
signed by Mark Hamill that we won from that auction on eBay!
She's more beautiful than I ever imagined.
Let's go get some photos so I can make my bullet group on Facebook
seethe with jealousy.
Who's got the most collectible ammunition now, Denise, you fat bitch?
Let's go take a photo like we're in Charlie's Angels.
Don't mind me, just channeling hard Lucy Liu vibes over here.
Wait, we're not doing the Kristen Stewart one?
No! That's two reboots too far.
(GUNSHOT)
No! Fuck, our bullet. I shot a priceless bullet!
Goddamnit, Terry! That bullet was one of a kind!
You don't just find vodka merch
signed by stars of Uber Eats commercials every day!
- Wait, I can see it. - What?
I shot it straight up and my eyesight is
really good because I masturbate a lot.
Don't stop staring at it!
Is it coming down yet?
It's not a shitty shoot-in-the-air when-the-Dodgers-win-the-world-series
type bullet, Korvo. This thing is aerodynamic as hell.
It's gonna be up there for a while.
Shit, keep an eye on it. We have to catch it
before it hits the ground and loses half its value.
Okay, it's still going up. I can do this.
Just make sure nothing distracts me.
- I'm on it. - (BOY GROANS)
What's with the comically large suit of armor?
We have an amazing plan. It's for Cherie. It'll make her look huge, right?
I mean, yeah. If she can move in it. Who's she fighting?
It's designed to inspire, not for battle.
She can wear it when she takes over as leader of the Wall.
We're thinking of calling her "The Duchess."
- It's good, right? - Are you hearing this?
This is just the Duke all over again.
No. When she tells everyone she's back and Tim's dead, she has to be herself.
I know these people. They want someone divine.
Someone larger than life to lead them,
like Cher or Peanut, the Jeff Dunham puppet.
She's already coming back from the dead!
Which is why the suit will seal the deal.
They deserve an honest leader.
Someone accessible, like George Washington
or Dr. Dre. Early Dre, not sellout Dre.
Although he does make a damn good headphone.
All I know is we have to keep Pezlie out of it.
She needs to stay hidden and safe.
We all agree on that. Nobody needs to know about this little angel.
(BABY COOING)
So, which is it gonna be? Lead as yourself?
Or as a savior in a banging suit of armor.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Yummers, you okay? I heard about what happened with Annie.
I'm assuming you're gonna do some fucked up sci-fi revenge?
- Nah. I'm fine. - Wait, really?
The only thing I'm upset about is that it took me this long to figure out
people can make money off dumb high school bets.
Silver lining. Now that you're single,
you could come to the JV mock Model UN tomorrow with me.
Or maybe we could float around together in my Lakitu cloud!
I bought it with the Club Nintendo points
the government sent out during the recession.
Hell no. I don't do after-school activities.
I am an after-school activity.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Hey, look. It's fucknut number one.
- What's up, turd squirt? - Good one.
I heard about the betting and I want in.
Aw... The baby thinks he can play with the big boys.
Nobody wins a socio-politic bet against Mark and Clark Hamburger.
What do you got?
Fifty bucks says those totally different
kids over there, the princess, the brain,
the bad boy, the athlete, and the freak, will never become friends.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Goddamnit! But they're all so different from each other!
How could they form a bond?
- Don't you know how high school works? - Pay up taint hair.
- He said pay up, stink wad! - I can't. We have a gold machine,
but I got addicted to girlfriend experiences last year
and I made too much gold, which reduces scarcity,
so now all gold is worthless.
Yeah, right. I've heard that bullshit before.
Looks like it's time to get burgered.
- No, stop burgering me. - (BOTH GRUNTING)
I can't breathe under all this meat-themed bullying.
(GROANS) Triple or nothing!
- What did you just say? - Triple or nothing. Any bet I choose.
Deal! And this time when you lose, you better have that money,
or we'll dig you out an asshole just so we can fill it with firecrackers!
(GASPING IN RELIEF)
You a king, Terry.
Let's get some Visine on those squiggly pupils.
Wind's shifting a bit.
It's probably hitting the maximum height.
- Keep staring. - I got it.
I got it.
Hey. Hey, fucking aliens! Did you just touch my fucking car?
Calm down, Glenn. It was an accident.
Terry's keeping an eye on our Crystal Skull Vodka brand bullet
that we shot into the sky, and his elbow lightly grazed your car
as he was adjusting his position.
I don't know what the fuck words you just said.
All I know is nobody touches my car! You got it?
That's all you know? It's a miracle you've survived this long.
(GRUNTING)
Jeez, Yum, you look wrecked.
Maybe because the sociopathic Hamburger brothers
are gonna kill me in the most homoerotic way possible.
I guess Mark's still upset because he and his Betty just broke up.
They murdered an ophthalmologist last summer
and the guilt was too much to bear.
Wait, you understand all this school social stuff?
Yeah. I love hot goss.
At any one time, I can name the five seniors with vodka-dipped tampons
in their butts.
I think I will go with you to that JV mock Model UN meeting after all.
You wanna spend time doing the things I like with no ulterior motive?
I don't know what ulterior means, so I can honestly say hell, yes!
Yay!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(INDISTINCT)
Holy, shitballs!
That's the sexiest motherfucking Beyblade I've ever seen!
Not just any Beyblade, Jesse.
This is the platinum Beyblade Burst 800 Takara Tomy edition!
I gotta be honest, I'm gushing over here.
Get your dirty hands off the merch, Pupa!
(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)
This is gonna take my gambling to the next level.
Wait right here, sister. We're just packaging up your order right now.
I threw in an extra Swedish fish, on the house.
May the bowl be with you.
Look, whatever Cherie does, I just ask that you support her.
Of course. Not everyone is comfortable with sainthood.
She's been through a lot. But at her core,
she just wants to protect all of us.
Well, whatever she chooses, the wall will be stable and...
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
- WOMAN: Tim! - MAN: He's dead.
- The cricket is back! - Tim is dead.
- Cherie? No, this isn't possible. How? - What is she doing?
- I don't know! - You're all grown-ass adults
who were shrunk down just like me, and you deserve the truth.
There is a hole in the back of the wall!
No. No. Not like this.
I know because Tim tried to kill me.
He pushed me through that hole into the backyard.
For the past year, I've been fighting my way back fueled by revenge.
But when I got here, Tim was already sick and dying.
He'd convinced you that this Wall was safe when it was really a prison.
That cycle ends now.
Follow me. I'll show everyone the hole to the backyard.
(SINGING OUT OF TUNE) And you are the wind under my sail
(CROWD BOOING)
Go bang a love scene!
(BOY CRYING)
And now, for my talent,
I own the platinum Beyblade Burst 800 Takara Tomy edition!
The counterclockwise spin makes this Beyblade faster than any on the market.
And this icy blue cyclone ridge here, that's all stamina, baby!
This Beyblade won't stop for nothing.
Behold!
(ALL GASPING)
I know this was supposed to be a talent show,
but that is the sweetest Beyblade I've ever seen. Yumyulack wins!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wow, Yumyulack! That is one rare Beyblade.
You must've cleaned up on all those bets.
Of course, he did. Because he knows school drama better than anyone.
How do you know so much about the teenage heart?
Don't tell anyone, but you know that uglier alien I hang out with, Jesse?
She's a loser who's obsessed with other people's lives.
I tricked her into giving me intel. Smart, right?
Shit. She's standing right behind me, isn't she?
Oh, shit. She's behind the curtain, isn't she?
Shit. I accidentally buttdialed her, didn't I?
No, man. She's hovering above you in a Lakitu cloud.
(GASPS)
Wow, here I am in the Lakitu cloud I wanted to share with you!
But now? No way, Jose! No more hanging out with this sucker.
Damn! I never would've bagged on you if I knew I'd get caught.
Sweet talk like that isn't gonna work this time. (CRYING)
Don't follow me.
Jesse! Don't waste that whole Lakitu cloud
on being sour. Come on! Let me use you!
- (CRYING) - AISHA: What is wrong, baby girl?
Did someone finally notice you have a Minnesota accent
even though you're from outer space?
I thought Yumyulack and I were bonding, but he was just using me.
AISHA: Hey, don't cry. Yumyulack's a piece of shit.
We all hate his ass so much.
But he was right! I only pay attention to other kids at school
because I don't have a crazy sexcapade of my own.
I got all sorts of sexcapades in my cold metal innards. You want one?
Thanks, Aisha, but this is high school.
I don't think you understand what we like.
How about Korean pop sensations BTK?
Wait, did you mean BTS?
I can't afford BTS. Get the fuck out of here.
I mean, I'd rather it be BTS.
Do you wanna do seven minutes in heaven with a South Korean boy band or not?
(SIGHS)
Let's get awkward.
It's hardly drifting at all. We're looking good.
I'm gonna put acupuncture needles in your spine to keep you alert.
- Bonus. Hit me. - Goddamnit.
Hey! You're gonna need to get off my property right now
or shit is gonna get real real, real fast!
We will, Glenn, as soon as our bullet comes down.
Yeah, chill out, Glenn. We're on collectible bullet business here!
Nobody disrespects the Glenn. This ends now!
- Prepare for Glenn justice! - (KNUCKLES CRACKING)
Hey, get off my property! Hey, hey!
Cut it out! I'm trying to peep.
Glenn, quit it! Your feeble slapping won't move the needle and you know it.
(EXCLAIMING)
Which bullet is it, Terry?
That one? You wanna know?
Nice try.
Those bullets are way too cheap to be seen from a distance, you asshole.
Bite your tongue with this, simps.
Your boy paid for this sick swag with bets I won by myself.
(ALL CHEERING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
Yo, where am I? What's going on?
(SCREAMS)
Scholastic headquarters. Well, what's left of it anyway.
My eyes!
The school book fair industry is dying because of fucks like you.
What did I do? I can hardly even read. (GROANS)
When students spend all their money on high school bets,
they don't spend money on books.
Kids can do whatever they want with their money.
- Scholastic doesn't own them. - Really?
Bring him out!
Meet Andy Sinclair, he started a fundraiser for the homeless.
All his classmates donated their allowances
to that instead of Scholastic.
Waldos, how many copies of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
did that cost us?
You have one more week to get me my money
or it's one fish, two fish, dead fish, you fish.
(GROANS)
There it is. The path to freedom. Nobody can keep it from you anymore.
But it's dangerous.
Praise be unto Cherie for showing us this glory hole.
She should be our new leader!
(ALL CHEERING)
- No! No. I refuse. No more leaders. - But we need you.
Let me out of here! I need to breathe fresh air and eat Chipotle!
(MAN SCREAMING)
(BIRD HOOTING)
I told you it was dangerous.
Look, before you decide to leave, just hear me out.
What we need is a government of people elected by each level of the Wall.
One you don't build with mid-century modern cardboard houses,
or gardens made from kind bar seeds.
We build it with people, with love,
and with the motherfucking truth.
(ALL CHEERING)
Jesse, where are you?
(SOUNDTRACK OF "KISS ME" PLAYING)
You're all that.
I did seven minutes in heaven with BTK.
And then I did it again for a full 14.
I am a loser who cares about other people's stories no more!
- Jesse, you can't do this to me! - Sucks to suck, suckface!
- Eat this kitty with a spoon. - I'm sorry about everything.
You were right, I got into betting because I was hurt about Annie.
I was never her bae.
I was embarrassed to be a stupid joke and I was covering it up.
But I took it too far and now Scholastic is on my ass.
I gotta place the biggest bet the school has ever seen or a couple of Waldos
are gonna make sure I have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I'm too evolved to care about that stuff, Yumyulack.
I really did wanna fly around in that Lakitu cloud with you,
and now I never will.
- You really did? - Of course. That cloud can go anywhere.
I may not know what kids do in high school anymore,
- but I know who does. The movies! - Really?
Aren't they made by out-of-touch, rich, old White guys?
Nah, they're super accurate.
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever...
I should've watched '80s teen movies a long time ago.
Now I know everything about school, and how I'm gonna get that money.
Only tricky part is, where to find a teen wolf.
I've got you covered.
Brah, you really bet 50 to one
that all these things are gonna happen at the game tonight?
Yeah, I did. Because I believe in miracles.
I believe there's magic in this world and that--
- Holy shit, what an idiot! - We'll take that bet.
BOY: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
No, Pupa, don't bet on this. It's a scam.
Oh, my God, Korvo! It's coming back down!
Our bullet is coming home to papa and papa.
I lined a bucket with a bulletproof vest.
Yeah, my man. Thinking like that's why you're team leader.
It's getting closer. It's--
Fuck, yeah!
Whoo!
No! I lost it! I lost it!
Fuck! Why did you do that? You asshole!
Because America, bitch! I do what I want.
Y'all are just dumb aliens and you need
to respect cars if you're gonna live here.
Car culture rules! Eat my ass!
(SCREAMING)
- There it is. It's in his foot. - Yes! We got the bullet back.
Glenn's shattered foot bone cushioned it.
Help, I've been shot! Aliens shot me! Help!
(BABY COOING)
You really think that was the best plan, to just give it all up?
I don't know, but I can't hide Pezlie while also being the leader.
- Secrets like that never last. - You know, people will go out that hole.
- They could get hurt. - Yeah, they will.
But that's part of the price you pay for freedom.
Nothing will be the same anymore.
Yes, people will go and try to find a way to get big again.
I don't know if they'll make it out of the sideyard.
But we are Wallians, resilience is what we do.
Those who choose to stay are going to build a better world.
No one person is going to save us.
We're going to save each other.
They really cleaned it up.
Well, after all that talk about not leading, here you are.
Blame it on level 12. People wrote me in.
Welcome. Please, take your seats.
What an exciting and historic moment for us all.
So many lives were lost on our journey to get this far.
Souls we'll never forget.
Life here can be hard, but with you,
a stable government for the first time ever,
the people of the Wall can finally live in peace.
(ALL GROANING)
Whoa! That alien is pretty in pink! And I just came to America in my pants!
Jesse, if I get killed today by a beloved children's book character,
I need you to know that I have a secret family in Austin.
You gotta track them down, tell them I love them, and also that I'm an alien.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
(HOWLING)
YUMYULACK: Mrs. Perry is kissing Dylan!
- That's not part of the plan. - JESSE: Wait for it.
I'm not a student. I'm an undercover journalist writing an expose on TILFs.
You stole our routine!
You don't respect our unconventional dancing style!
It's working! All we have to do is win the big game.
Don't jinx it.
(HOWLING)
YUMYULACK: Two teen wolves!
No, no, no, no, no! This can't be happening!
(ALL GASPING)
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
- I am fucked. - Shit.
We gotta jet!
Holy shit. Who would've predicted that both teams would have a teen wolf?
So, why the fuck would you make a side bet with this little shit stain
that that would happen? He's taking all our money!
- Fuck you, Clark! - No, fuck you, Mark!
You hamburgered the goddamn Hamburgers!
Take that back!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
If we hurry, we can jump in the river and float to Mexico!
It'll take a couple of months, but it's hard to run and plan
at the same time.
(BOTH GASPING)
Where's my $82,000.63?
I have the 63 cents and a great idea
for an X-rated Clifford the Big Red Dog parody you can have for free,
as long as I retain the TV rights.
This is the magic knife bus.
Time for it to take an educational
adventure into the wonders of your chest!
(SCREAMS)
Pupa's in the house.
Pupa, you gotta spare me some of that cash, quick.
Beyblade.
What? No way. That Beyblade is worth way more than...
(SCREAMS)
For crying out loud, just give him the top!
It's a battle top with a frost-powered cyclone ridge!
Stop mansplaing and just fucking do it!
Next time, think twice before you fuck with a children's publishing cartel,
you little shitrag.
Yay!
(GROANING)
What's the statute of limitations on being indirectly involved
in the shooting of a man's foot?
Bing says seven years, but Facebook is still saying Biden lost the election.
Okay. All we have to do is hide Glenn away somewhere for seven years
- and we'll be in the clear. - Call an ambulance already!
But where can we hide someone for seven years
without anyone hearing him scream for help?
We could...
Shoot him into orbit in a Glenn-sized cryochamber to circle the Earth
in suspended animation until the statute of limitations has passed?
And then after that we make out?
- Maybe. - That means no.
No. It means maybe.
No, no, no. Stop, stop. Don't do this, please.
In retrospect, I shouldn't have fetishized my car. It's my fault. Help!
It's my fault, really. I'm insecure.
Please, I'm sorry. Please, don't do this!
- Think of it as your Eat Pray Love. - Help! Please, please.
I don't wanna be in orbit. I don't wanna be in orbit.
Is he gonna be okay up there?
Sure. My calculations are never wrong.
Unless someone put an unregistered satellite in orbit.
Hold up those heels, Terry! Yes, please!
You know, you got to admit, we make a pretty good team.
I don't know which has brought us closer, our bullet or our OnlyFans.
Thanks for trying to save my ass with Scholastic after I was such a dick.
- That was really cool of you. - I had to.
You're the closest equivalent I have to a brother.
I just wish I knew where that second teen wolf came from. Pupa lucked out.
Without it, he would never have gotten that Beyblade.
You think all those other kids we forced
into movie situations will turn out okay?
What do I look like, a fortune teller? Marone.
("SHOUT" PLAYING)
(GROANING)
Where am I? Where's my car?
You're under arrest for flying an unlicensed cryopod
in a residential Nebula.
Punk.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)